Forgiving is not something you do (nor on to you nor on to others); it is something you stop doing. Like turning off a light switch. And it is the nicest present you can give to yourself.
You don’t forgive while you are feeling angry, disappointed, hurt, victimized, etc. And you keep those feelings because you decided that by keeping those them alive you somehow will be able to vindicate yourself, to correct things, to make them right again. Isn’t it? Or is it?
What do you really accomplish by being unforgiving? What are you gaining? Anything valuable? All that anger and frustration is constantly corroding your wellbeing, isn’t it? Can you truly experience joy and happiness while being angry, frustrated or depressed? Of course not!
And I suspect that these emotions trapped in your “system” create several imbalances that can lead to health issues. Looking at it from this viewpoint it doesn’t look so attractive anymore, does it?
Let me give you an example: John gets abused by his step father called Sam. Sam is verbally abusive, and extremely unfair. He calls John all sorts of ugly names, reminds him constantly of how stupid and bad he is.
As it was to be expected, John hates Sam for it. And he has fantasies of vengeance and how he is going to hurt Sam back when he has a chance.
But suddenly, Sam dies. And John keeps being angry at him. Sam is gone, but he still lives in John’s heart. And John struggles with those feelings and can’t get his life on track and ends up becoming an alcoholic and verbally abusing the children of his second wife, just like Sam had done once to him. And that without even being aware of it. And the story goes on. History repeats itself.
What is wrong with this situation? Why is John still angry at Sam even after he is long dead? What is the point? Does this sound like a sound strategy to you?
I wanted to exemplify with the story that you can be unforgiving towards anyone, even dead people! Or ex-girlfriends, ex-partners, siblings, etc. No matter what they might have done to you, if you don’t forgive them, you are not doing anything to them. You are just harming yourself.
They can’t feel you anger. You can. If you would forgive them, they couldn’t feel that either. But you could. Did you ever forgive anyone in your life? How did that feel? Do you remember? Was it a nice relief or not?
There is a difference between forgiving someone and wanting them back in your life. If John forgave Sam, Sam wouldn’t come back from the dead. But John would feel better.
And the same is true to anyone alive. You forgive (that is an internal process) and you feel better instantly, even if you never tell them you did (and they might not even know that you are mad at them!).
How do you forgive? How exactly does the process works? It works when you take responsibility for something you could have done to avoid what happened to you. You need to revisit the situation that is upsetting and identify what you could have done to avoid the situation.
I’ll give you an example: I was very upset with W. for many years. We were business partners and he walked away with my business and left me in a very bad situation. How did I forgive W.? I looked at the situation and I took responsibility for the fact that I did not trust my intuition and I also did not try to stop him when I first began to notice some things that weren’t right. I was there and I didn’t do all I could. At the end, I decided that this only happened to me because I made the decision to do business with W.. And I mad the decision to cease to hate him and I forgave him. He doesn’t know about this. He probably never will. I have no idea where he is today and I have no intention to ever seeing him again. But I am no longer suffering from anger and victimhood. I’m the big winner! It feels awesome to forgive!
The 5 steps for forgiving.
- Think about a person or group of people that you are upset with.
- Go back mentally to the very beginning of the relationship. And then, go back to just before the relationship started.
- What could you have done that would have changed the outcome? (remember it is a decision and you can be creative about it. I once had issues with my family that started at birth and since I couldn’t go beyond birth, I decided that as spirit, I chose the family I’m in to experience what I have experienced. And from the viewpoint of spirit, I was able to forgive. Since this is a mental process, you can assume any viewpoint in order to finally forgive. I also imagined looking at the earth from outside and forgiving “mankind” for some of the stuff that had happened in my life. Be creative!)
- Decide to forgive. Cease to hate. Let it all go. Accept the present moment with appreciation and move on!
- Enjoy you life!