How to forgive and why

Forgiving is not something you do (nor on to you nor on to others); it is something you stop doing. Like turning off a light switch. And it is the nicest present you can give to yourself.

You don’t forgive while you are feeling angry, disappointed, hurt, victimized, etc. And you keep those feelings because you decided that by keeping those them alive you somehow will be able to vindicate yourself, to correct things, to make them right again. Isn’t it? Or is it?

What do you really accomplish by being unforgiving? What are you gaining? Anything valuable? All that anger and frustration is constantly corroding your wellbeing, isn’t it? Can you truly experience joy and happiness while being angry, frustrated or depressed? Of course not!

And I suspect that these emotions trapped in your “system” create several imbalances that can lead to health issues. Looking at it from this viewpoint it doesn’t look so attractive anymore, does it?

Let me give you an example:  John gets abused by his step father called Sam. Sam is verbally abusive, and extremely unfair. He calls John all sorts of ugly names, reminds him constantly of how stupid and bad he is.

As it was to be expected, John hates Sam for it. And he has fantasies of vengeance and how he is going to hurt Sam back when he has a chance. 

But suddenly, Sam dies. And John keeps being angry at him. Sam is gone, but he still lives in John’s heart. And John struggles with those feelings and can’t get his life on track and ends up becoming an alcoholic and verbally abusing the children of his second wife, just like Sam had done once to him. And that without even being aware of it. And the story goes on. History repeats itself.

What is wrong with this situation? Why is John still angry at Sam even after he is long dead? What is the point? Does this sound like a sound strategy to you?

I wanted to exemplify with the story that you can be unforgiving towards anyone, even dead people! Or ex-girlfriends, ex-partners, siblings, etc. No matter what they might have done to you, if you don’t forgive them, you are not doing anything to them. You are just harming yourself.

They can’t feel you anger. You can. If you would forgive them, they couldn’t feel that either. But you could. Did you ever forgive anyone in your life? How did that feel? Do you remember? Was it a nice relief or not?

There is a difference between forgiving someone and wanting them back in your life. If John forgave Sam, Sam wouldn’t come back from the dead. But John would feel better.

And the same is true to anyone alive. You forgive (that is an internal process) and you feel better instantly, even if you never tell them you did (and they might not even know that you are mad at them!).

How do you forgive? How exactly does the process works? It works when you take responsibility for something you could have done to avoid what happened to you. You need to revisit the situation that is upsetting and identify what you could have done to avoid the situation.

I’ll give you an example: I was very upset with W. for many years. We were business partners and he walked away with my business and left me in a very bad situation. How did I forgive W.? I looked at the situation and I took responsibility for the fact that I did not trust my intuition and I also did not try to stop him when I first began to notice some things that weren’t right. I was there and I didn’t do all I could. At the end, I decided that this only happened to me because I made the decision to do business with W.. And I mad the decision to cease to hate him and I forgave him. He doesn’t know about this. He probably never will. I have no idea where he is today and I have no intention to ever seeing him again. But I am no longer suffering from anger and victimhood. I’m the big winner! It feels awesome to forgive!

The 5 steps for forgiving.

  1. Think about a person or group of people that you are upset with.
  2. Go back mentally to the very beginning of the relationship. And then, go back to just before the relationship started.
  3. What could you have done that would have changed the outcome? (remember it is a decision and you can be creative about it. I once had issues with my family that started at birth and since I couldn’t go beyond birth, I decided that as spirit, I chose the family I’m in to experience what I have experienced. And from the viewpoint of spirit, I was able to forgive. Since this is a mental process, you can assume any viewpoint in order to finally forgive. I also imagined looking at the earth from outside and forgiving “mankind” for some of the stuff that had happened in my life. Be creative!)
  4. Decide to forgive. Cease to hate. Let it all go. Accept the present moment with appreciation and move on!
  5. Enjoy you life!

Forgive, forget and move on

(continuing from the previous post.)

I was 50, recently divorced, technically broke, depressed and feeling totally sorry for myself. I was also lost, frustrated, angry and scared. I thought at that point that my life was ruined and it would be only getting worst from there.

I didn't know how I would turn my life around. I actually didn't even want to. My biggest concern was how was I going to pay for the child support every month while not having a descent income. At that time, my business was losing money. It was rock bottom.

I wanted to kill myself quickly and painlessly. And I didn't do it for fear of creating an even worst karma for my next life (in case I got one). Or perhaps waking up in hell.

What saved me was a self-development course I was doing at that time. Instead of drinking my sorrows away, I chose to look inside myself to find out if there was anything to be found out. And I did.

I worked a lot on the whole divorce situation. You understand that a divorce doesn't just happen. It takes a good amount of time and a bunch of decisions to create one. I had already discovered that life doesn't just happen to me. I make all the decisions. And I wanted to understand what lead me to become the "divorced and broke middle aged loser". Otherwise I would keep doing the same.

It was painful to look at it. I cried myself a river! I had done many ugly things during many years. I had lots of regrets and lots of secrets. And this might sound silly, but I had to go all the way back to my baby years and puzzle through my whole life to undo the mess I had become.

I noticed that I hated myself with passion. And the root cause was in my childhood. The way my parents brought me up, the stuff they said to me. Their alcohol and drug abuse. Their ugly divorce. My father trying to kill the whole family, my mother almost dying of an accident while my father's business had gone bankrupt. Many pains, many humiliations. And also my mother constantly telling me not to do like my father, not to be like my father, and telling me how men are so bad.

I grew up depressed without knowing. And the only way to avoid criticism was to pretend to be someone else in order to get approval. Lie to avoid punishment. Lie to avoid criticism. I learned to say what I believed the other person wanted to hear, rather than what I really thought. I was very manipulative.

I was a people pleaser. And what I thought was a winning strategy ended up being the cause of my collapse. I had a created a fake life and I hated it.

I pretended to be happy. And I was blaming everyone for my unhappiness. That is why I travelled so much in my early years. Every job sucked. Every boss was stupid. Every city was bad, every country was bad. I had trouble connecting with people but I was telling myself that I didn't find the right people yet. I had the illusion that by changing the environment, things would finally get magically better. 

I met this girl, I kind of liked her, and I decided to settle with her, because I didn't believe I would ever find the perfect one. I was getting old and I didn't want to stay single. That is how I got married. I did everything I was supposed to do. I worked on being a super husband and a super father (I thought). But all that I created was more pretense, more fakeness. And I kept unknowingly being depressed.

I became irritable and I didn't enjoy my life. I blamed my wife, my job, the economy and whatever else for my unhappiness. And I began to avoid being with my family every time I could. I felt bad for doing it, but it was less painful than the constant pretense I lived in when I was at home.

Over time, my wife and I grew appart. And eventually, she told me she didn't love me anymore and that she didn't want to grow old with me. I didn't fight for the marriage. I thought that once it all would be over I would feel better and I could start over (my old pattern of escaping was playing out again).

When the divorce was pronounced and I finally realized what I had done, I felt the worst I ever felt in my life. I realized that I had done to my kids the same that my parents had done to me.  I had betrayed everybody. Especially my daughters. And I couldn't forgive myself for it.

And that was exactly what I needed to do if I wanted to turn my life around. Forgive, forget and move on,

I'm extremely grateful for all the support I got from my friends and trainers at the course. I worked really hard. But it paid off. I took responsibility for my mistakes and forgave my ex-wife, my parents and myself for all the mess. I finally allowed myself to move on.

Only then, I was able to feel joy in my heart. I guess for the first time in my life, I was happy to be alive.

And from that moment on, good things came about.

 

The path to self-enslavement, and the way out

On the previous post, I mentioned the role of governments in your life. This is not trivial information.  You and I are not really free to do what we want, right? And even the concept of being totally free triggers on most people some critical response. Like: “People are bad and you can’t give them freedom because they would make a mess.”

Well, if I was governing you, that is exactly what I would like to you believe. This would make you more easy to control.

Stay with me for a moment; why do you need a nationality? Why do you have a birth certificate? Does anyone else than humans care about these things?

Did you ever stop and think about how much of your freedom you give away just to be able to say: "I'm from Argentina" (or any other country?)

Do you pay taxes because you want, or is someone threatening to do bad things to you unless you pay their "protection money"?

I believe that no one should have more rights than anyone else. And that includes governments. Governments shouldn't be able to do anything to you that you couldn't do to them.

Governments limit my freedom of speech, my freedom of movement and they have forced my parents to inject things in my body (vaccines). Governments forced me to spend countless ours in schools to force feed me with some information I didn't care for. And discouraging me to pursue the things I was interested in.

They called me bad boy and they punished me every time I didn't do what I was told to do.

This is a violent thing to do to kids. And now that I'm a parent, I'm forced to give up educating my daughters by being threatened with prison if I disagree to send them to the same school system.

I'm not FREE and nor are you. Did you ever think of this?

Of course I did not thing like I do now for most of my life. Just like you, I tried to fit in and do as I was told. I studied, got a job and hated my life. Even when I was doing really well (according to the standard model of success).

I was depressed, angry, frustrated and discouraged. I had suicidal thoughts on many occasions. And without noticing, I became self-destructive. By the time I was in my late 40's I was drinking too much, I was overweight, my marriage was going downhill and I my career was going "south". I was a zombie.

And things started to fall appart.

Within a few months, I lost just about everything. My family, my house and my business was almost dead.

I was feeling really bad. I wanted to just die. But I didn't have the courage to go through killing myself.

My luck was to attend self-improvement courses.

That is when things started to turn around. I discovered that what I believe about reality is more important than reality itself. And that although I cannot always change the reality, I can change my perception.

And if I change my perception, I start seeing things really differently.

I started to dream again! And that got me to reinvent my life.

And right now, my life is awesome!

I will tell you more on the next post....